Life Recap October 2018 - March 2020

 (Not sure why, but I didn't write any of this on 1/12)

Well, today I had my first online therapy appointment and my counselor suggested that I started journaling again.  Admittedly, it's something I've been meaning to do, but here we are.  

So, lemme think what all has happened since October 2018.  One sec while I grab my calendar. 

Here are the highlights: 

September 2018 - Chris planned a surprise getaway to a cabin in Norris and it was a ton of fun. So many friends that came and it was really special 

October 2018 - Chris and I surprised mom for her 70th/retirement and joined the Shaggers for a cruise. Our first ever and definitely want to do one again.  Of course mom cried when she found out we were going.  We all loved every minute of it 

December 2018 - annual trip to Asheville with Emily H 

January 2019 - annual SCCA convention in Las Vegas and the wedding of Mark and Chasity! 

February 2019 - BJ Barham (Chattanooga), Coheed and Cambria (Knoxville), Old Crow (Knoxville)  

March 2019 - Turpike Troub (Caverns in Pelham)

May 2019 - Tool (Knoxville) 

June 2019 - hockey/goalie camp in Austin, Texas. Jenni flew down for part of the trip and we had the best time.  Met a ton of new people and partied way too much.  Austin is definitely a cool town and will want to go back 

September 2019 - Chris went out west with Curt

October 2019 - Bachelorette party for Chasity in Nashville, Tool in Cincinnati 

December 2019 - Asheville with Emily (met new boyfriend Trey) 

January 2020 - Went to Vegas for Mark and Chasity's wedding , Tool in Nashville

March 2020 - The month the world stopped.  It had been talked about in February'ish that Covid was a reality in the US.  Jenni came in town for St. Patricks day weekend (we got our nips pierced too!).  
I do remember that at first, we didn't take it so seriously and then Chris woke up on a Sunday and said "we should probably go to the store".  We went to 2 different stores and they had already been raided of meat, cleaning supplies and toilet paper, of all things.  Pretty much for the rest of the year, it was a series of virtual happy hours with friends, online trivia leagues and iracing leagues.  
One of the hardest parts, was knowing that Pat was in the nursing home and that we weren't able to visit with her.  After several months, they started allowing window visits, which was always heart breaking to leave.  Then a few months later, they started allowing in person-visits but only after we had to take rapid covid tests.  Such a crazy time. 

July 7, 2023

 I just had my 2nd session with Phillip at Talkspace.  
He's an old soul and very easy to talk to.  I told him that I feel much better this week and can at least talk about my treatment plans w/out crying!  (8 sessions left to go!)

We touched on the topic of grief again today, and he asked me how many times I had shared my story of losing my dad.  It really struck me, that I haven't really talked about it.  Granted, Chris lived it with me, but no one really, truly asked me what happened, how did you feel, etc.  He's challenging me to share my stories (both dad and Micah) so I'm going to explore that. 

We also touched a bit on spirituality since that is both in our backgrounds.  I told him I was open to incorporating this in our sessions. 

I think it's still a bit early to tell whether this will truly make me whole again but for now, I've got some good reading materials and will read what is in front of me.  

On a side note, we are going to RT Lodge tomorrow.  Should be a nice break and a change of scenery. 

July 2, 2023

So leading up to this point, I was in preparation for back surgery.  I decided to get my mammogram and unfortunately it was the dreaded word of cancer.  If there is a "good" to all of this, it's that it was caught early (stage 1A/1B) and the genetics testing was negative, which means the likelihood of a reoccurrence is very low.  Armed with the genetics test, we decided to proceed with lumpectomy followed by 20 rounds of radiation.  

As of tomorrow, I will have 12 more sessions.  (I go every day M-F). I do have to say that leading up to the surgery I wasn't really all that worried.  I was just looking forward to getting it over with.  Surgery day was fairly easy and really, the biggest pain in the neck was the drain that I had to wear for a week. Lisa/work has been amazing and so I was able to take the full week off and not have to worry about emails, etc.   

The real hurdle for me has been going thru radiation.  That first treatment brought up a whole slew of emotions.  I laid on the table and as I could hear the machine zapping me, I fought to hold back tears but ultimately I lost.  The treatment itself only lasts about 10 minutes and thank God for the technicians.  They hugged me and assured me that I was feeling completely normal.  To be honest I am super lucky to be at the stage I'm in, so I think I was trying to hold in all my emotions due to the fact that I know Katrinda Scott and Kristin Alm are going thru so much worse than I am.  It's almost like I felt that I didn't have the "right" to be in so much sadness.  Every day has been a bit better and finally this past Wednesday (a week into treatment) I completed a session w/out crying. 

I realized that I needed help and I know there is nothing that Chris, my mom or any friends can say that will all of a sudden make me feel better.  I signed up for Talkspace (since I have met my out of pocket for the year) and had my first session Friday night.  It's a virtual setting which works well for scheduling.  I told my counselor that I think at the end of the day, I haven't been able to process the grief of losing Micah, Dad, the divorce, mamaw, etc.  so now I add on the fact that I'm dealing with cancer, it's been too much for me to handle.  We are going to start tackling that and maybe having someone that doesn't care if I ramble on (or cry), will help.  

Chris went to Bristol this weekend and I stayed home, mainly because Abby can't handle the heat anymore, but it was good timing to be myself.  I did get sick yesterday, so not sure if it was food related or side effects of the radiation.  I'll talk with the doctor tomorrow about it. 

September 2018 Happening

September is a busy month for the Lawson/Harp birthdays.

This year Chris turned 38 so this year we went downtown with Emily and met up with some friends for Wine on the Water on Neyland drive.  It is a great concept but lord o' mercy - talk about having too much to drink.  After going to Barley's for some late night pizza we uber'd back to Emily's and I hate to admit that we ended up spending the night - poor doggies but we were in NO shape to drive.

On the 23rd Mom turned 70!  It just so happened that it fell on our last auto-x at Bristol so she was able to come up for the day and even got to do a ride-along with Chris.  We shared it on FB and everyone got a kick out of it.  I love her free spirit and hope I am still that way when I'm her age

The weekend of the 28th was of course my big 40!  We started Thursday night with late night dinner and drinks at Wild Wing with our good friend Kim.  I swear I was counting down to midnight like it was NYE.  The next day on the 28th we headed to Virginia for Maria and Andrew's wedding.  At the rehearsal dinner Maria surprised me with a dessert and a Happy Birthday song but spilled the beans about a birthday party - but I still have no details..  God love her.  The wedding was beautiful and the reception was probably one of the funnest I have been too.  From the food, open bar to the dancing and photo booth.  We had a blast.   So glad to call them friends.

Life Recap

So how do I try and recap what has happened since my last post?  I think I'm more stuck on the fact that it has been since January 2016!  Where in the heck did time go.

So let me try at a high level to recap the last couple of years

• We spent a lot of time seeing concerts some to include Foo Fighters, Turnpike Troubadors, Fleetwood Mac, Blackberry Smoke, Jamey Johnson, Flaming Lips, Perfect Circle, a whirlwind trip to AZ to see Tool and Primus and most recently Rod Stewart.  I should also add that most of these bands we traveled to see and saw them more than once.  We are some dedicated fans!
• One of the highlights of seeing TT so many times is that a couple of the band guys recognize us when we go to the shows.  At one show in Asheville they invited us to a bar afterwards where we shot pool, had drinks and then shared an Uber back to the venue to drop them off.  
• Chris picked up Hockey again at the local rink so we spend a good chunk of time at the rink.  We also were able to get to Nashville and watch the Predator play multiple times.  Those were some awesome games 
• Took some trips to Las Vegas.  
• This year we splurged and stayed at Aria which was
  ah-mazing.  Went with some good friends Trey and Shannon and had some fantastic meals. 
• Steve and Amanda got married 
• Jen and I took a girls trip to New Orleans.  Went to a cooking class, did some shopping and enjoyed not being on a schedule. 
• We got a new dog - Curtis Emmett. 
• Lots of traveling with Auto-x.  From Ft. Myers, FL to Oscoda, MI - we had some pretty cool experiences and met some great people.  
• August 2017 we celebrated our 10 year anniversary and Chris surprised the heck out of me!  All he told me was to pack my bags and didn't give too much more details.  We headed towards downtown and stopped at Chesapeake's for dinner.  This was some place we talked about going but never made it.  We then went to Clancy's for a drink and then started walking down Gay Street.  He then pulled me into an ally and showed me a hotel key.  He had rented the gorgeous Tailor Lofts - https://www.vrbo.com/780429 and I couldn't have been more surprised.  He had also made a photo album of our last 15 years - of course I cried.  Then before I knew it people started pouring in and we had the best weekend.  I love surprises and he absolutely killed it! 
• Most recently he surprised me for my upcoming 40th with a BMW M3!  I have ALWAYS wanted a BMW and he found an exceptional one from a fellow auto-xer in NC.  It is absolutely gorgeous and I find myself still shocked that it's mine.  I tell ya, I'm one lucky gal to be a Harp. 
• 
  

Kung Fu - Week 8

1/25 - Monday
Sifu
Chinese New Year is just a couple of week away so we are starting to really focus on what each of us are going to do.  I'm not sure at this point if I will be doing anything but I want to be prepared!
Sifu broke us up in groups so a newer guy and I were in the same group.
Each group had to come out in front of the class and do our last form in front of everyone.
I did 8 Chain Punch - and at first it was very messy and sloppy.
By the time class was over I actually managed to tweak out the entire form!  Sifu even commented when I was done that I did all the forms!
This was a good boost to my confidence!  I'm in no way saying that I have it down perfectly but so glad I was able to get through it!

October - National Dwarfism Awareness Month

This post started in October.  I put in the back burner but finally had time tonight to finish it up.. here it goes:

I saw a post on FB today that October is Dwarfism Awareness month.
To be honest, I never knew such a thing existed.

I don't get on a soapbox too often but this obviously hits very close to home.
My brother and I were both born with a rare type of dwarfism that while we were short our limbs were proportinate.  There are over 200 types of dwarfism and my specific type counts for a very small percentage.

Ever since I can remember my parents took us to see pioneer in the dwarfism field - Dr. Steven Kopits.  He was based out of Johns Hopkins and later moved to St. Joseph's hospital outside of Baltimore, MD.  Every year my family would load up the car and take our "vacation" to see Dr. Kopits.  My parents wanted absolutely nothing but the best for my brother and I and when our local pediatrician couldn't do the job they found the best doc around.  I have very many memories of my days spent at St. Joseph's - all the nurses, the playroom (which had an awesome gaming console that we could play Galaga for free!) and the fellow little people that I would meet through my many visits.

My brother and I had surgeries to correct various side effects from the dwarfism.  My brother had hip and knee replacement.  I had a neck fusion to correct some slipping vertabraes that if left untreated could have caused me to be paralyzed.  I will forever be grateful to my parents for making the yearly trips (sometimes multiple trips) and wanting only the best for us.

So the reason of my rant is that knowing that October is dedicated to "Dwarfism Awareness" I wanted to share some thoughts from my perspective.

I have an amazing husband and an awesome circle of friends and family that never saw or treated me as different but alas, the world can still be a cruel place.  Even at 37 the points, stares and whispers can still get to me.   I'm not talking about children per say but older kids, teens and even adults that for whatever reason think it's acceptable to be rude and condescending. Many days I want to reply "geez, I have no idea how tall I am, how fat are you!" but I can't ever bring myself to say it.

I welcome the conversations with children since now a lot of my friends have kids of their own that are in that inquisitive phase.  I don't want my friends to be shy or embarrassed if they ask "why are you so little" or "are you a mommy".  I hope that in some small way I can help open the dialogue with them and funny enough once I tell them that "God made me this way" they seem satisfied with that answer.

So my challenge is this, and it's pretty simple - "Treat others the way you want to be treated".