Even though Christmas is supposed to be the "most wonderful time of the year", I admit that I have been dreading this day for some time now. I have so many emotions that are just too hard to put into words, but I wanted to take a minute to jot down how I am feeling at this exact time and place.
Right now, I feel content in the silence of the night, in our quaint cabin in NC, with our pre-lit Christmas tree that the owners of this cabin put up for us, reading our books and listening to the occasional snore from Abby. At this minute everything in my life is good.
But, if I let mind wander, I can't help but a get a little teary-eyed when I think of all the happy times in my childhood that my parents created for me and my brother and knowing that those days are all just a distant memory relived through photos and video. These were the days before the chaos of life happened.
Like many children, waking up on Christmas Day was the day that we would look forward to for many months prior. My brother and I would of course wake up many hours before we typically would on a day out of school, and usually found ourselves anxiously awaiting for our parents to get that first cup of coffee in hand. My dad had this tradition, and I'm not sure how it got started, but he had a huge chalkboard with a message that read something like- "Merry Christmas to Micah and Mishael" with the year at the bottom. Every year my dad would make me and my brother sit in front of that board and smile (or at least fake it) for a picture. It became a ritual for many, many years. When Aleea (niece) came along, her name was added to the board. In fact, that chalkboard from our last real Christmas is tucked away in a room at my dad's. I can't bring myself to erase it or throw the board away. It's the last year that we would enjoy a real Christmas w/ my dad.
I always hate that my blogs end up being a depressing post about the loss of my father, but at this exact time in my life this is all I have to think about. I pray that as this next year comes and goes, so will the pain and sadness that I feel.
I am so thankful for such an amazing husband who doesn't get frustrated when I slip out a few tears here and there. I am thankful for such a wonderful mother who has been a constant support system this year. I am thankful for such wonderful friends that are always close by.
I know a lot of my friends and family have experienced a hard 2009 and I believe we will all make it somehow. I pray that all of you find peace, direction and happiness in 2010. I pray that we will always remain close to each other and will always be a source of fun and laughter.
Love to all my friends on this journey....