July 2, 2023

So leading up to this point, I was in preparation for back surgery.  I decided to get my mammogram and unfortunately it was the dreaded word of cancer.  If there is a "good" to all of this, it's that it was caught early (stage 1A/1B) and the genetics testing was negative, which means the likelihood of a reoccurrence is very low.  Armed with the genetics test, we decided to proceed with lumpectomy followed by 20 rounds of radiation.  

As of tomorrow, I will have 12 more sessions.  (I go every day M-F). I do have to say that leading up to the surgery I wasn't really all that worried.  I was just looking forward to getting it over with.  Surgery day was fairly easy and really, the biggest pain in the neck was the drain that I had to wear for a week. Lisa/work has been amazing and so I was able to take the full week off and not have to worry about emails, etc.   

The real hurdle for me has been going thru radiation.  That first treatment brought up a whole slew of emotions.  I laid on the table and as I could hear the machine zapping me, I fought to hold back tears but ultimately I lost.  The treatment itself only lasts about 10 minutes and thank God for the technicians.  They hugged me and assured me that I was feeling completely normal.  To be honest I am super lucky to be at the stage I'm in, so I think I was trying to hold in all my emotions due to the fact that I know Katrinda Scott and Kristin Alm are going thru so much worse than I am.  It's almost like I felt that I didn't have the "right" to be in so much sadness.  Every day has been a bit better and finally this past Wednesday (a week into treatment) I completed a session w/out crying. 

I realized that I needed help and I know there is nothing that Chris, my mom or any friends can say that will all of a sudden make me feel better.  I signed up for Talkspace (since I have met my out of pocket for the year) and had my first session Friday night.  It's a virtual setting which works well for scheduling.  I told my counselor that I think at the end of the day, I haven't been able to process the grief of losing Micah, Dad, the divorce, mamaw, etc.  so now I add on the fact that I'm dealing with cancer, it's been too much for me to handle.  We are going to start tackling that and maybe having someone that doesn't care if I ramble on (or cry), will help.  

Chris went to Bristol this weekend and I stayed home, mainly because Abby can't handle the heat anymore, but it was good timing to be myself.  I did get sick yesterday, so not sure if it was food related or side effects of the radiation.  I'll talk with the doctor tomorrow about it.